I know what it's like to lose. To feel so desperately that you're right, yet to fail nonetheless. It's frightening, turns the legs to jelly. I ask you to what end? Dread it. Run from it. Destiny arrives all the same. And now it's here. Or should I say, I am.

- Thanos, at the start of Avengers: Infinity War

Statutory warning: This is a completely personal piece.

The last time I wrote anything of note about Arsenal was when Arsene Wenger left the club in May 2018. I mean, how could I not? Watching and writing about Arsenal was (mostly) how I knew I wanted to have a career around sport, and reading / listening to Wenger over the years played a big role in it.

Since then, plenty has happened at the Arsenal Football Club, but for a combination of reasons, I didn't feel the need to write about all that beyond the occasional match-day stream of thoughts on Twitter.

But now that I have some additional time and space to, the events of September 3 deserve a few words.

Setting up the context: Arsenal's matches against Manchester United are the ones that I despise the most.

Sure, the "rivals" are in North London in the form of Tottenham, but it is a geographic dislike that I never quite got used to. Sure, it hurts to lose against them, but the rivalry itself is not something I get too worked up about. Sure, losing the title to the juggernaut that is Manchester City last season despite having the finish line in sight rankles. But in recent times at least matches against them have felt too big anyway to feel any sort of animosity. Liverpool (whisper it) have been sort of a second club I follow, so despite some thrashings and heartache at their hands, it is a fixture I actually look forward to every season. So on and so forth. You get the drift.

But United... urgh.

The reasons to hate this fixture are numerous, that I could go on for hours. The Rooney-inspired defeat to end the unbeaten run and of course, the 8-2 are at the top of the pile. Even when I am not that emotionally invested in the club now as I once used to be, the day of this fixture is painful. The entire day before the match is an excuse for the brain to replay moments of hurt. There have been some wins here and there, especially in recent years, but the overall sense is one of dread. (And going by what I saw on Twitter at the end of yesterday's match, I am not alone either.) It only gets worse as the match starts.

You know how athletes say: "these are the matches we live for" or something? Well, not for me. Not this one. That line from Thanos quite succintly sums up how this fixture makes me feel. (Any resemblance between Thanos and United is purely coincidental.)

And for about 90 minutes on Sunday night, that's how things were. The Kai Havertz miss early on, then the Marcus Rashford goal, and then the late Alejandro Garnacho "goal" late on, are all part of why I rarely enjoy this fixture, serving as a constant reminder that whether Arsenal play well or Arsenal play badly, whether Arsenal are the better team or the worse team than United, these moments keep happening.

Then the VAR offside call came that denied United a second undeserved lead on the night. Then the Declan Rice goal came. Then the Gabriel Jesus goal came. And for those 10 minutes, there was joy. As Rice blushed after the final whistle to the sounds of the fans serenading him, the footballing world seemed alright after all. The rollercoaster had come to an end after some nasty, stomach-churning turns but you could smile in the end as you walked away.

The next time Arsenal play United won't be any different either, I am sure. Especially if it is at Old Trafford. The dread is especially heightened for that fixture, with immediate flashbacks of Wenger standing among the United fans with his arms spread wide. But until then, photos of Rice smiling wide and GIFs of Jesus channeling his inner Ronaldo (the OG) will have to do. Ultimately, these little moments, outbursts of joy, are why we invest so much time and energy in the fortunes of a team that plays thousands of miles away.

Cover image credit to Arsenal Twitter handle, but wish I knew the photographer's name to be added here.